I have been exhausted--physically, mentally, and emotionally--lately. I am struggling because I am so used to be able to do "everything" and find that now it takes a lot of effort just to get out of bed. For this, I beat myself up. I know that I shouldn't, but it is so hard for me to be gentle and forgiving with myself. I'm working on it, but it goes against my nature. I want to be Super Woman.
Yesterday when I was talking to a friend I made a statement about all that my body has been through this past year and how, considering that, it makes sense that I am tired. After the conversation, I really let that sink in. If I just look at the physical things that have happened in the past year, I am actually doing really well. Not to mention, the emotional and mental stresses. In the past year this is what has happened:
March 16th, 2011: Found a painful lump in my breast when I bumped into something.
March 17: Called to report lump, made appointment for when I returned from vacation.
March 31: Examination by nurse, confirming lump and referring me for an ultrasound
April 8: Mammogram and ultrasound. Told that it was likely a cyst and was scheduled for needle aspiration
April 12: Attempted aspiration-finding no fluid. Biopsy of lump taken
April 13: Diagnosed with breast cancer
April 18: Consultation with breast surgeon, reviewed pathology, referred to oncologist
April 19: Appointment with genetic counselor
April 26: Appointment with medical oncologist
April 28: Echocardiogram
May 2: PET Scan
May 3: Surgery to place port-a-cath
May 4: Start of hormone shots for egg harvest
May 4-16: Daily shots, blood draws and ultrasounds every other day
May 9: Biopsy
May 16: Egg retrieval
May 19: Bone Scan
May 23: Chemo (Taxol and study drug)
May 31: Chemo (Taxol and study drug)
June 6: Chemo (Taxol and study drug)
June 9: Scans and biopsy
June 13: Echo
June 13: Chemo (AC #1)
June 27: Chemo (AC #2)
July 11: Chemo (AC#3)
July 14: MRI (Brain)
July 21: Consult with breast surgeon
July 25: Chemo (AC #4)
August 16: Bilateral Mastectomy
September 2: Bone Scan
September 9: MRI
October 6: Radiation planning
October 11-November 30: Radiation (5 days per week), total of 35 treatments. Plus chemo (oral xeloda).
Nov 10: Chemo (5FU)
Nov 17: Chemo (5FU)
Nov 23: Chemo cancelled because counts too low
Jan 20: MRI
Jan 30: PET, CT, MRI
Feb 2: Chemo (navelbine)
Feb 9: Chemo (navelbine)
Feb 16: Chemo (navelbine)
Feb 27: CT Scan
Mar 1: Chemo (navelbine)
This list does not include several (sometimes 3 times per week) physical therapy appointments, blood draws, appointments to deal with fluid post-surgery, or mental health appointments. My oncologist said that my body hasn't had time to recover from the first set of chemo. And yet, the chemo continues.
I need to remember this and be more forgiving of myself. But how does one do that? How does one accept that life is no longer what you thought it would be and that you may be forever changed and unable to do what you used to do? My heart does not want to accept this. But my body doesn't seem to be giving me much of a choice right now.
2 comments:
I can relate somewhat. My body can not do what it used to be able to do, but for obviously different reasons. It takes a lot, and I mean a lot of time to get used to not being able to do something that used to be so nonchalant....like making the bed. Or getting 5 hours of sleep. Or just going out with friends for one night. It sucks and I hate that know you are forced to deal too.
I'm with Amy on this. The physical, mental and emotional demands you've been experiencing take time, just pure time to process and adjust to, let alone accept. If you are tired, please rest! If you are lonely, sad, happy or frustrated, call a friend or expend that emotional energy. It's ok to take care of yourself, I know how frustrating it is when your stamina on all levels changes so drastically, but listen to your heart and body.
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